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A blonde is driving her car and sees a tree so she swerves left,
She sees another tree and she swerves right this time,
She saw another tree and swerved left again and wrecked into a telephone pole,
So a cop comes to investigate and he asks "What happened here ma'am?",
She replies "I saw a tree so i swerved left, then saw another tree so i swerved right, then i saw another tree and swerved left again and thats how i hit this pole.",
The cop looked around outside for a minute and didn't see any tree's, so then the cop looked inside the car. When the cop came back out he said "Ma'am there arent any trees around here, that was just your air freshner swinging back and forth.".
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Such number as would be deemed necessary to perform said task in a timely and efficient manner.
One day a little boy went up to his mom and asked,
"Mom, is God a boy or a girl?"
The mom said,
"Honey, he is both"
The next day, the boy went up to his dad and asked,
"Dad, is God black or white?"
And the dad replied,
"Son, He is both."
At dinner, the boy asked his parents,
"Mom, Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"
A mountain-climbing accident gone wrong, a brunette and two blondes were dangling by a rope off a cliff, holding on for dear life. The rope, which wasn't strong enough to hold all three of the women's weights was beginning to unravel and break.
"Someone needs to let go!" said one of the blondes, gesturing her head to the ground 200 meters below.
"Well, I ain't doin' it," said the other blonde.
"I'm not either," said the first.
The brunette cleared her throat and spoke with much conviction: "For your two lives, I will spare my own, for the life of you two women is worth more than my own. Please, tell my husband that I love him so much, and my two little boys that I will miss them dearly. Tell my friends that I will be with them always, and that I will watch over everyone from above and make sure they they follow the right path in life."
The two blondes, with tears in their eyes, applauded the speech and let go of the rope.
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists-a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was: "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination - Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' we went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
The redneck won hands down!
One Day A Blonde was at the hospital and she goes to a doctor and says I think I broke every bone in my body. The Doctor says "Well that's impossible you'd be dead!". The Blonde then says "No it's true watch!". So she touched her leg and screams in pain then she touches her ribs and can barely stop from crying. The doctor says "Well I have good and bad news. The good news you didn't break every bone , the bad news, you broke your finger!"
Former president Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary Clinton were at a baseball game , when suddenly a member of the secret service came up to Mr. Clinton and whispered something into his ear. Immediately ,the president picked up his wife Hilary and threw her onto the pitch.
Upon seeing this, the member of the secret service who had whispered something in Mr. Clinton's ear came running frantically towards him
"Mr Clinton, " he said " I believe you misunderstood me!" "I told you to throw out the first pitch!"
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his
tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to
drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move
on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one
was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on
down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into
a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it,
hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with
this digging?"
"Well, we work for the government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not
accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel
and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us-me,Rodney, and Mike.
I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt
back. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me
can't work.
there was a couple golfing together, and one of them hit the ball into a nearby house.
they walked in the house and there was a man standing there, and he said "I am a genie and you get three wishes, since there is two of you i'll take the last wish"
the man said "I wish i was the richest man in the world"
the woman said "i wish i had a nice house in every state in the U.S."
and the genie said "I wish i could have her alone upstairs in bed"
the genie and the woman are up there for two hours and the genie asked the woman
"How old is your husbund"
the woman said "Thirty"
the genie said "and he still believes in genies?"
Why was the lawyer skimming the bible right before he died?
He was looking for loop holes.
Credit: http://www.nerdtests.com
Light a man a fire, and you can keep him warm for a day.
But,
Light a man ON fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
Hewwo, my name is Achak Claw. I was formerly BioHazard.
